I'm in the mood to just post whatever I wrote... and thus

[parch]

the last ride I took a new path, no azungu ameneyo, no children screaming, no little you and little me and all we wanted to really be, no youth and no classmates, the last ride I took an old path, a ride defined drive down things I couldn?t understand and didn?t want to, the last ride I saw the village the way it intended to be seen, not at all, or all covered up in green,
the last ride I tried to give my respects to that which had been so much dust and dirt and travel, places I had found pork and grinned fat belly pride, places where I had somehow tricked banana peckers for free, somehow strolled past naked children laughing and swimming in mud water rivers and then all the fires of the corn went blazing, somehow the last ride was immeasurable, unable to take pictures, unable to really grasp what I could see,
I couldn?t take it with me, I couldn?t take it with me, I couldn?t take it with me, I couldn?t take you with me, my friends, mnzanga why won?t you just come with me?
the last ride I couldn?t touch what I couldn?t see and nobody found me
sitting there shivering
atop the three hills, spread out my legs and cried
the last ride I saw the ants walking faster than usual, I saw less chickens, but more birds, I heard less screaming children, fewer balls trolled the road, and everything was a good price for me

[thenewrant]

As you were in the mood to "just post whatever," the prose formation works for the speed in which the piece needed to be read, but as I read it, there were places I wanted to slow down. Again, your language in this is great and it provides great imagery. The imagery is what carries this piece. It bodes well for this voice within the piece.

Now, is it about the "you and me," or is more about the "me?" This is where the piece could use some revision, and with that, structure can be developed and the imagery/words already provided will help frame a much stronger piece.

As it is, it has great bones. Now give it a body.